“It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.” – Mark Twain, The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson
(See also this and this.)
MaxSpeak Summary: the Puritan Christian fundamentalists, of whom the Pilgrims were a subgroup, were murderous, treacherous swine who made a treaty with the indigenous people around Plymouth until they had enough forces to wipe them out. This they later did with smallpox and guns, unless they were able to sell them into slavery, all of course for the greater glory of Jesus Christ.
Wait a minute. That wasn’t quite right. Let’s try it again. Here’s how it goes.
The Puritans in England were subject to religious persecution, lo unto death. They needed a homeland where they could survive as a people and live in peace. They tried to settle in the Netherlands, but it proved inhospitable. Only the possibility of the New World seemed to beckon. It was a land without a people, and they were a people without a land. Puritan leader John Winthrop promised his followers, “If any who dwell in this new lande there bee, they will greete us as liberators.”
Upon settling around Plymouth, the first Puritans (Pilgrims) established amicable relations with the Wampanoag Nation. The Wampanoag had already been depleted by disease brought by previous settlers. They were also subject to aggression by other Native American groups, so their alliance with the Puritans became an outpost of peace, freedom, and enterprise in the New World.
As more Puritans arrived, they required more breathing space. Sadly, Puritan relations with the Wampanoag began to deteriorate. It was discovered that human rights violations had been committed by the Wampanoag sachem, Massasoit. The Puritans suddenly realized their ally was actually history’s greatest monster.
The Wampanoag, like other indigenous peoples, lacked a modern system of property rights. They did not see fit to build fences, put up street signs, or securitize sub-prime mortgages. The Puritans remedied these defects of indigenous culture. Through the workings of the dynamic, efficient market, the Puritans ended up owning all the property, and Native Americans themselves became classified as property.
Taking umbrage at this advance of Judeo-Christian civilization, the indigenous people reduced themselves to terrorism. Some were sufficiently maniacal as to sacrifice their own lives in order to murder innocent settlers. There was a veritable cult of death. Their giant warriors, with faces like demons, would willfully run into hails of bullets. Underlying this irrationality was a primitive religious belief system that celebrated exterminating one’s enemies, as well as the consumption of locoweed and psychedelic mushrooms.
In short, the natives hated the settlers for their freedom and no longer greeted them as liberators. They meant to extend their dominion over the entirety of Europe by summoning the Great Spirit as a weapon of mass destruction.
As a matter of self-defense, the Puritans were compelled to rise to the challenge of this clash of civilizations and wage a preemptive war of
extermination salvation for both the terrorists and the societies that nurtured them. There was no middle ground; you were either with them or against them. The settlers’ periodic, totally accidental slaughter of women and children was tragic, painfully regretted collateral damage. Relatives of the victims were amply compensated with beads and trifles.
Those Native Americans who were willing to live in peace and submit to Biblical law were provided with alternative living arrangements, under the protection of the government. Sadly, they proved unequal to the rigors of modern society and eventually disappeared, although they were given the opportunity to experience Democratic Capitalism before their demise.
Today we, “the people who build square things,” celebrate Thanksgiving in tribute to their memory, and to the invaluable assistance they unselfishly
provided for the Christian arrival to America.
Now please pass the gravy.